Dear Incarnation parents and family:
Most years I’m tempted to treat this penitential season when we prepare for Easter like an opportunity for Christian-y New Year’s Resolutions. (Having said that, I will be training my dog during Lent this year . . . and believe me it already feels penitential!) We know, however, that we will fail in our attempts to keep Lent perfectly; and even if we succeed, we fail to save ourselves. In that case we ask:
“Then who can be saved?”
And Jesus responds.
Jesus looked at them and said, “For mortals it is impossible, but not for God; for God all things are possible.” (Mark 10: 26-27)
During Lent we sink more deeply into the truth that all things are possible for God. The church’s invitation is just that: an invitation, an opportunity, a gift—a safe space to grapple with pain, fear, impossibility, and everything else that we’re not able to face alone. Families, likewise, can serve as “safe spaces”—not where children are insulated from any type of difficulty, but where children feel loved and not alone when inevitably, difficulties arise.
In her book on church seasons To Dance With God: Family Ritual and Community Celebration, Gertrud Mueller Nelson describes the value of engaging with suffering and death, together:
We have the company of the rest of the family or community to take the pilgrimage with us, because we are, indeed, all in this together. The very least a communal Lent can offer us is the opportunity to understand mortification so that as suffering comes into our lives, we will recognize it for what it is and have some tools to find in this earthly pilgrimage its mysteries and deepest meaning. Our personal Lent may not always coincide with the communal season of Lent. But we will always have our Lenten seasons, one way or another, because we are always called to change.
Jesus, of course, is the One who leads us in this business of change and transformation, and Lent gives us the space to practice, on purpose, dying so that we might live. Glory to God!
OK. We’re choosing, on purpose, to face the wilderness together, confident in the joy waiting on the other side. How do we do it?
Our Ash Wednesday service gives us the invitation “to the observance of a holy Lent:”—and here’s how!— “by self-examination and repentance; by prayer, fasting, and alms-giving; and by reading and meditating on God’s holy Word.”
I’ll name each element below, talk about what’s going on at church so that you can notice ways to connect to it at home, and offer some concrete ideas for families to live Lent together. No rush: let’s unhurriedly make space to engage with these practices along with the rest of the church community, pilgrims together through the wilderness.
Don' t do everything listed below, but see what appeals to you as a way build your family or household culture. In the spirit of “living the liturgy” (see the end of this post), we need not invent our own Lenten extravaganzas or create individual assignments for one family member to complete. Adults are encouraged to slow ourselves down and pay attention to any ideas and desires that spring up from the children themselves about how they’d like to express their anticipation-then-celebration of Easter.
Prayer
At church, as always, we pray, sing, and read scripture. A new liturgical season offers a new beginning, another chance to start a household prayer habit. Children (and indeed all humans) desire to pray . . . it’s we parents who might feel awkward saying Let’s start something new! Use Lent as your excuse; the kids want to join you, even if they don’t say that out loud. We just may need to tweak when/where/how it works in each house. Some options:
Prayer time. Select a time when routines are already occuring—at bedtime, after dinner, or after breakfast, and try something from the Book of Common Prayer (like Family Prayer at the Close of Day BCP p. 73) or read something simple like Psalm 23 together. If a new daily practice feels overwhelming, try a nice candlelit Family Prayer time on Sunday evening perhaps. I know a family who switched their routine to a morning prayer walk for a season.
Prayer space. Set up (or refresh) a prayer table space for your family.
This could be a small table top, a shelf in the dining room, a tray in the center of your dining table, and/or a smaller version in a child’s room. (Ask me if you want concrete instructions! You might have a basket with a variety of items that a child can set up: a cross, other sacred images, a candle, a sand timer.)
Those adults and children who enjoy setting the dinner table might consider a cactus, a stack of rocks, or something austere with sand as the centerpiece during this season.
Singing. The Lord is My Shepherd; Lord Jesus Come; Bless the Lord, My Soul; or other Lenten hymns can serve as your family dinner blessing, your post-dinner prayer, or a bedtime prayer. (Pro tip! Our gospel processional songs are selected each church season to be sing-able as a household. As you add each new song to your family repertoire, before you know it BOOM you are the Von Trapps.)
Silence. We’ll be practicing this together at church, and, incredible as it may seem, children in each atrium love the challenge of creating silence together. Light a candle, flip a sand timer, and try it as a family.
“Reading and meditating on God’s holy Word”:
Save the Sunday bulletin and re-read that week’s gospel reading (or OT, NT, Psalm) once, twice, a few times over the week and talk about it as desired during your family prayer time.
During Lent, children 11+ years old will be reading the story of Jonah, then looking at the Ten Commandments, connecting these Old Testament readings with the gospel readings.
7-10 year olds in Sacramental Formation will consider the parable of the True Vine and other gospel mediations, and will be encouraged to select a hands-on prayer practice (e.g. knitting, whittling).
Children in the Good Shepherd Atrium will be thinking about Jesus as the Good Shepherd and listening to Psalm 23.
"Self Examination and Repentance"
Lent is a natural time to consider taking advantage of the Sacrament of Reconciliation. The children in our Sacramental Formation class (7-10 years old) will prepare together for this option by practicing an examen, naming those things which might be “blocking the sap” that flows from Jesus, the True Vine. Children 11-13 (the older half of the True Vine Atrium group) will be considering the Ten Commandments, which we all will hear read during Lent.
(Younger children, in the Good Shepherd Atrium and Mustard Seed Nursery, will not discuss Reconciliation as such, but will connect naturally with the joy of Jesus’ gift of Himself for us, and how the Good Shepherd makes sure the sheep have everything they need.)
Fasting
Silence was mentioned above under Prayer, but also fits into the category of fasting from noise. You might choose some ways to quiet your household, or car rides, during Lent. (As an aside I recently read and now recommend Cal Newport’s Digital Minimalism: I have a lot of fasting to do in this area.)
Burying the Alleluias: As a church we will fast from certain celebratory phrases and practices during Lent, and a concrete way to do this at home is the custom of “burying the Alleluia” (Alleluia means “Praise the Lord!”). Children can create an Alleluia prayer card that’s then put away or literally buried until Easter. (Delayed gratification = parenting pat on the back.) If you're into it, Lent is a nice time to work on an ongoing project that’s stashed away (eggs, art, paper flowers, papel picado), building a stockpile that will make a dramatic, joyful entrance on Easter morning.
Simplicity: Growing children need not skip meals, but the family as a whole might forgo desserts or certain treats, and generally prepare simpler meals during Lent. Meatless Fridays are a traditional practice. (Kind of an over-literal interpretation of “dying so that we might live”: the Easter celebration feels so joyful and exciting after a Lent without ice cream!) Sundays serve as a break from Lenten fasts; mini-Easters that are a foretaste of the feast to come! Enjoy them.
Pro mom tip: Starting now, instead of picking up goodies for my kids on a random grocery trip, I’ll squirrel them away and have a head start on an abundant Easter basket in six weeks. (Nothing too major: I’m remembering in particular the neon band-aids that my kids were obsessed with one year!)
Almsgiving
Almsgiving, or charity, may flow naturally from our fasting practices. For each forgone ice cream outing or meal made at home instead of eating out, place a few dollars in a jar that lives on the mantel or prayer table. During Holy Week the family can decide together how to use that money for the benefit of others.
Are there opportunities to serve elderly neighbors, visit someone in the hospital, deliver a meal, write a note?
Dying to self: My children embraced a cute [Christian mom blog] tradition a few years ago that now they’ll never let me omit. For each act of “dying”—giving a sibling the prime seat, coming immediately when called, not continuing an argument, or just a kindness to someone else; however they choose to interpret it—the kids place a dry black bean in a bowl throughout Lent. On Easter morning, mysteriously, the dry beans become colorful jelly beans! (I’ve heard of others cooking the beans on Good Friday, which might be more appropriate.) And though I kind of shrug bashfully at how cheesy this is, it connects directly with Jesus’ own idea: unless a seed (a bean!) falls to the ground and dies, it remains a single seed. But if it dies, it bears much fruit.
Jesus gives His whole self to us; we joyfully receive that gift and offer ourselves back to God and others. We’re dying so that we can live. With the youngest children, we declare, simply, “Christ has died; Christ is risen!” and we talk about Easter being the greatest feast at church.
The Joy Set Before Us
As Lent wears on, we can start wondering about ways to make Easter like a spring version of Christmas. (I don’t mean stressful—but joyful and memorable for the family. Most of us are not in danger of “doing too much” for Easter!) We can prepare for the holiday—yes, spiritually, but also just actually, physically: deciding on a menu, ensuring that the child who’s in Sacramental Formation isn’t too over scheduled, looking at the calendar now to plan to make it to particular church events.
One of my secret-not-secret missions in life is to promote the celebration of Easter. A simple Lent, following along with church practices, will set us up for a really joyful Easter, the high point of the year.
More to come!
love—Josie
P.S. Also I always have to share this pic, capturing the already/not yet of Lent/Easter expectations/reality.
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